Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The best revenge is premature balding
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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