i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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