Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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