I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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