fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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