Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
