Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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