So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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