I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
as a side note pls kill me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
