i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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