I think I died a long time ago.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
