i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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