Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
