i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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