got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
