Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
