Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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