Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
