i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
