god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
