There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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