I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I think weed is turning my hair brown
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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