The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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