Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
