my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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