this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
