I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
