Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
