FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize