remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
