i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
