living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
