Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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