just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
