I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
