Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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