If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Randomize
