I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
