so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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