Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
