Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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