so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
