Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
