It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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