I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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