I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
