I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
