My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Are we still banned from the library?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
