hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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