Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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