i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
