My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
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Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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