I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
