Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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