Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
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We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
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THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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