We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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