someone threw a dead crab at me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
